back to this blog I mean
okay, this will be a quite long story. Long story short, I failed my semester. and had to retake.
Reason one that I failed, I read manga rather than reading notes. Which resulted in my Human Resource module to get a F and Business Law to barely pass by a strand of hair. I'm serious. If I had lost that one crucial mark, I will fail this module too.
Reason two, I OVERSLEPT for the the exam day. OVERSLEPT! I OVERSLEPT! what the hell?! That's what I want to ask too. Burning midnight oil until dawn can't be an excuse. I'm the one to blame. If I had study seriously, I didn't need to study until 6 a.m. while the exam started at 10 a.m. and I need to set out from home at 9 a.m. that made me have to get up at 8 a.m. to get ready for the day which concluded to a total of two hours sleep. Guess what? I woke up at 10. yep. no more or less. 10:00. Is this a sick joke god played on me? what? I can't even.. guh.
yep, the university won't allow any excuse and I have to retake the module. MODULE. not exam. that makes me failed 2 modules and so, need to repeat the semester.
Then that's not the worst. I went back hometown during holiday. My dad totally not taking to me. For the two and a half weeks of my stay. How miserable it was. Even until few days ago, when I went back for 2 days, he also didn't speak to me. at all. I know I had disappointed him. That's why I tried to avoid him as best as I can. But then it struck me. This is the very first time he ignored me, disregarding my existence. Sure, he had been silent with me before but that's because he was in bad mood and that's caused by others. not me.
I wonder for how long this will carry on. I never talk much with my dad but at least never like this. He used to at least walked to me and check on my spine's condition. He used to ask how his new bought shirt was when he was asking for my mum's opinion and I happened to be there. He used to at least sit on the lounge or dining table watching TV and said be careful when I was going to head back to the country where I'm studying, but now he slept in the bedroom. with his back facing me.
He's hurt. He bears too much on his shoulder. He's tired.
The trip few days ago when I went back, I found a cigarettes box. With only one stick left. I confront my mother about it because all three of us (my brother and sister) are against smoking. And we know our father doesn't smoke. I can't say never because seems like he used to and kicked it out. She said yes. And I was shocked. Seeing that my mother added that he only chew on it, never lit it. I'm suspicious whether she told me that just to ease my shock or that's really the truth. I felt I'm responsible for it if my father back to smoking. I contributed to his stress rather than helping him to lift it. as I can see, business is going out of shape lately. More competitors. More regulations. Stupid regulations for forbidding importing certain goods. We have been living out of this business and the government ruined it.
Back to the topic. Now I'm scared to go back hometown. no, not scared. worried to be exact. I worry that if I go back, his mood will be bad. After all, I'm the most problematic kid out of us three. That's why I used to think of suicide. That's stupid. okay! I know! I never thought of that now. well.. at least sometime, when I'm down but I never really intend to do it. I'm worried that if I go back, he can't move freely at home, because I always occupy the computer.
And.. I'm scared. there, I admit it.
I'm scared that he will ignore me again.
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